


Darcy Lewis; Geekhunter

by Stardust_and_Strawberries



Series: Journey into Mishap [3]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Biting, Canon-Typical Violence, Consent, Cultural Differences, Drunkenness, F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Food mentions, Humor, Insects, Mentors, Polyamory, Sif is not a bitch, entomophagy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2538050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stardust_and_Strawberries/pseuds/Stardust_and_Strawberries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jane manages to accidentally create a portal at her bachelorette party that sends her, Thor and two of her friends halfway across the galaxy, it's up to Darcy, Sif and Beta Ray Bill to get them back. Will they make it in time for the wedding? Will everyone survive the fact that there's no coffee on Skuttlebutt? Whose bright idea was it to let Deadpool cook anyway? How long can I get away with writing this stuff? Find out in the next gripping installment of Journey Into Mishap!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome aboard

"Yeah, probably for about five days tops...uh huh, the usual biscuits, treats are in the purple tin...in the smaller purple tin...yeah Lucky's such a sweetie...listen I'm about to lose reception but thanks so much Simone, we owe you one!" By this point Kate was almost screaming over the roar of wind as she leaned out of Skuttlebutt's hangar bay, watching New York plummet away below her. "Okay I'm good!" she yelled, ending the call and hauling herself back into the cavernous interior, and the dizzying feeling of acceleration instantly disappeared as the forcefield snapped back into place. America slipped her hand around her waist as the stardrive engaged, and together they watched the universe blur.

 

"Now if I could just find someone I could trust to feed Barney..." muttered Clint, rubbing his bleary eyes.

 

Darcy sidled up to him "How are you feeling?"

 

He smiled sheepishly. "Pretty awful. It was a good party though."

 

"Seriously? Four people got flung halfway across the galaxy and the Tower lost a wall."

 

"Yeah but no one built a homicidal robot, which makes it one of the best work parties I've been to."

 

The younger Avengers turned back towards them. "Cool spaceship huh?" said Kate, grinning. "The cabins are a bit spartan though."

 

"What she means is there should be more purple, don't you princess?" asked America.

 

"No! Well maybe just a bit of purple. A bit of color anyway."

 

"This is a battleship, not a hotel Kate." This fact was weighing quite heavily on Darcy's mind. On Earth, braiding Sif's hair or giggling over coffee and party plans with Bill it had been easy to forget that both of her lovers were warriors first and foremost. Here in their own environment it was harder. She didn't want last night to have been a one-time-only deal, and Skuttlebutt was an uncomfortable reminder of quite how different their lives were to hers.

 

"The wedding's in four days time, I'm sure you can survive somewhere that isn't purple for that long." said America affectionately. Kate stuck her tongue out at her.

 

"Come on, let's head to the bridge. Bill wants to do a mission briefing."

 

"But we already know the mission don't we? Collect Thor and Jane and the two physicist from wherever they've sent themselves and get them to the wedding in time?"

 

"Yes but Bill wants to do a mission briefing. I think he's enjoying having a crew for a change." explained Darcy, striding into the automatic door which remained resolutely shut. There was a thump and a moment's embarrassment when she tried again and the same thing happened.

 

"Aaaw, door." said Clint in sympathy.

 

"Aren't they working?"

 

"Should I kick it apart?" offered America, marching up to the door as though it was an opponent that had personally offended her mothers. It promptly opened.

 

"I think it heard you." giggled Kate, following her into the dimly lit corridor. "You okay Darcy?"

 

"Fine, just my nose. And my dignity." she muttered. "Okay, so I think the bridge is this way..." she walked into a second door. Everyone stared for a moment, then Clint approached the door too. It slid open.

 

"You don't have mutant phase powers or something do you?"

 

"No! I mean I don't think so, I think I'd have noticed by now. Anyway I've read my SHIELD file, I don't have the X-gene." It had mostly been very boring reading, except for the note "Subject has great taste in music" that whoever had checked through her iPod had scrawled in the margin.

 

"You might be Inhuman though? Try this door."

 

"Jeez guys, have you ever heard of Occam's Razor? Jane goes on about it all the time, it basically means the doors are far more likely to be malfunctioning than I am to have superpowers."

 

"Well okay, try another door then."

 

Darcy glared at the door suspiciously and walked cautiously up to it. It failed to open.

 

"Okay, I'm sure there's some more sensible explanation but for now our working hypothesis is that I have the universe's shittiest superpower. Could someone please open this door for me?"

 

Kate walked up beside her and the door obediently slid open. They stepped out onto the bridge, where Bill had just finished setting out five chairs and was mentally congratulating himself on clearing away all the dirty plates before Sif had returned from stowing her gear in the armory.

 

"Welcome friends! Please take a seat!" He beamed delightedly which had the unfortunate effect of making him look at least twice as terrifying, and activated a holographic display of the galaxy while surreptitiously trying to kick a stray boot he'd spotted under a console.

 

"According to the coordinates Bruce and Tony obtained for us, our comrades have transported themselves to the largest southern continent of this planet." With a twist of his enormous hand he sent one planet spinning out of the glowing simulation in front of him. "It is uninhabited and so has no name, only a numerical designation, but its composition, atmosphere and climate are almost identical to those of Earth. We should arrive early tomorrow morning, which will leave ample time to reach Asgard before the wedding."

 

"Strange, is it not, to find an uncolonized planet so close to the core? And one apparently so hospitable?"

 

Darcy groaned. "I really wish you hadn't said that Sif."

 

"You need not concern yourself." said Sif earnestly. "Thor has fought and defeated anything likely to be found on that planet. Beasts, marauders, demons..."

 

"...sorcerers, dark elves, Kree, manifestations of cosmic forces..." added Bill helpfully.

 

"...giants, Skrulls, trolls, weregeese, unquiet spirits..."

 

"Wait, weregeese?" gasped Kate.

 

Sif nodded. "Verily that was a strange day. Fire spirits, a legion of interdimensional mind-controlled assassins..."

 

"Loki." they said in unison.

 

"...a living planet once..."

 

"Okay, timeout guys." said America firmly. "You're really not being as reassuring as you think you are."

 

"Timeout! Beverage time!" the air was suddenly full of tiny drones with glossy chrome wings and excitedly twitching articulated tails. Bill put his head in his hands.

 

"Greeting, small ones." said Sif, smiling. "I trust you have been protecting Bill well in my absence?"

 

"We have offered him a great deal of assistance, which has been invaluable. Beverage?" trilled the little drone.

 

"I thank you." said Sif, carefully taking the mug. The drone spun in the air in delight and zoomed back to pick up another mug.

 

"Beverage?" another drone was hovering inches from Darcy's face, vibrating in its eagerness to offer her a drink. She thanked it, cautiously gripping the mug as the drone untangled its tail from the handle, and took a sip.

 

It took an enormous effort of will to swallow it instead of spitting it straight back out. The lukewarm liquid was sour and had a distinctly fishy aftertaste. To her astonishment Clint, Kate and America were drinking theirs with apparent relish. "What, what is this?" she managed to gasp.

 

"The juice of a fruit that grew in the equatorial regions of my planet. It's synthetic of course, but still very good" explained Bill.

 

"It reminds me of guavas." said Kate, and Darcy couldn't stop herself craning her neck to look into her mug. The contents were a rich golden color, unlike the murky brown liquid in her own. She gathered her courage.

 

"Erm, is it supposed to look like this?" she asked, holding her mug out towards Bill.

 

"I'm so sorry, that must have been meant for me. It's fermented eel juice - a delicacy on Korbin but I've noticed that people from other planets rarely appreciate it. Here, let us swap."

 

"Thank you. Eel juice. Okay." said Darcy weakly, gratefully exchanging mugs. What she got in return was indeed very pleasant fruit juice, but she suspected she would need at least a gallon of it to take away the lingering taste.

 

"I'm very sorry, I keep meaning to talk to Skuttlebutt about their programming but it feels cruel somehow."

 

"It's fine, really. Always good to try new things." said Darcy, who suspected she'd never be able to hear the word eel again without screaming. "So, we get there tomorrow morning. Is there anything we can do till then?"

 

Bill shook his head. "The planet is presently beyond the range of even Skuttlebutt's sensors, and no further information exists in her databanks. Until we are closer and know more we can only wait."

 

"I don't do waiting very well. Anyone want to spar?" asked America. Sif sized her up, intrigued.

 

"I have heard many tales of your prowess in battle, Lady America. If you would care to do me the honor?"

 

"Any time. Hangar bay?"

 

"Indeed."

 

"If you break my girlfriend you have to get me another one Sif!" Kate called after them.

 

"Don't break my ship!" added Bill, then after a short pause roared at the ceiling "That was ONE TIME and it was to stop it detonating inside you!...yes I do know how quickly you could have opened a hatch because YOU KEEP TELLING ME!" He suddenly became aware of the three people staring at him in astonishment. "Uh, would anyone like to come and watch them?"

 

"Delighted." said Darcy firmly, taking his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incidentally, anyone wondering what Skuttlebutt's drones look like can see them [here](http://stardustandstrawberries.tumblr.com/post/101365020097/incidentally-for-anyone-reading-geekhunter-who). I think they're really cute.


	2. Fight like a girl

By the time they got back to the hangar bay the physical part of the fight had apparently finished, and the combatants had moved on to the shouting part.

 

"You cannot simply punch a sword child!" cried Sif, gesturing with a shattered blade.

 

"Why not? It worked!"

 

"Think you that your stratagem would have worked had the fight been in earnest?"

 

"That's why I did it! You were holding back on me!" America threw down her own sword in disgust.

 

"You said that the blade was not your favored weapon!"

 

"Yes but I didn't expect you to baby me!"

 

Sif considered for a moment. "Perhaps you are correct. I apologize, Lady America, for the insult to your honor. It was not my intent."

 

"Apology accepted." They suddenly became aware of their audience.

 

"You broke Banebryter?" asked Bill, astonished.

 

"She broke my second best sword. Had she broken Banebryter she would not still live." grumbled Sif, but there was affection there.

 

"I'd like to see you try it chica."

 

"Perhaps I shall. Come, let us see whether you can best me when I am prepared for unarmed combat!"

 

"This will be impressive!" huffed Bill contentedly, sitting down against the wall to watch. Darcy curled herself against his side while Team Hawkeye perched on a nearby crate.

 

The fight was indeed impressive, although the lightning speed with which the combatants moved made it hard for Darcy to keep up. From what little she could follow though it seemed as though America was doing most of the running, bouncing and ricocheting off walls and ceiling with in a flurry of aerobatic enthusiasm yet failing to land many blows on Sif. The Asgardian dodged and wove with a fluid grace, appearing to anticipate America's movements and turn her momentum against her. When either opponent did manage to strike the impact was brutal but both women immediately rolled back onto their feet, sporting matching, feral smiles.

 

At last America mistimed an attack and Sif leapt effortlessly about her, flipping her into the deck with terrifying force. There was a resounding crash and a shower of metal fragments. Bill groaned and put his head in his hands.

 

"I apologize Skuttlebutt." said Sif to the ceiling. "Do you yield?"

 

"For now." panted America from the hole she lay in.

 

"You are stronger than me, and faster, Lady America. How then did I defeat you?"

 

"Mad ninja skillz?" she groaned. Something started sparking in the crater in the deck beneath her.

 

"Your eagerness for combat does you credit, yet it also betrays you. You attack boldly when caution is warranted, and do not retreat when strategy would demand it. Such recklessness will not serve you forever, you will one day encounter a foe you cannot simply punch."

 

"Hasn't happened yet." muttered America, but she was listening.

 

"My skill was hard won through years of training. The time has come for me to impart this knowledge to a worthy apprentice. Should you wish it, I would choose you."

 

"Me? You'd teach me to fight like an Agardian?"

 

"The training would be arduous, but I am certain you would be capable."

 

"Yes! No, wait, that would be a lot of time right! I'd have to talk with Kate..." she glanced at her girlfriend, who was jumping up and down with both thumbs in the air. "...okay I think that's a yes!" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You're not going to start calling me Grasshopper are you?"

 

Sif looked confused. "Not unless you desire it?"

 

"Then it's a deal." She grasped Sif's offered forearm and let herself be pulled out of the hole in the deck.

 

"Could you perhaps wait to start until you're off my ship?" pleaded Bill.

 

"Go you, Miss Interdimensional Student Viking you!" Kate flung her arms around her and kissed her while Clint smacked her enthusiastically on the back. "Ooh, will you get sexy armor?"

 

Bill slipped away from the celebrations to join Sif, who was surveying the hole America had made in the deck. A drone crouched at its edge chirping mournfully, apparently overwhelmed by the magnitude of the damage.

 

"You do know that the training room has a reinforced deck?"

 

"My apologies Bill, I had thought that the hangar would afford us more space. In truth I underestimated her abilities. She will be a formidable warrior one day."

 

"And you are ready to take on the commitment to seeing that happen?"

 

"There is something in her soul that speaks to mine. She was not I think raised to be a warrior, but chose that path for herself. Beings with her strength are not so rare as many suppose, but it is her determination that marks her out."

 

"But the time you would need to dedicate to training an apprentice..."

 

"We change Bill. The call of battle is still sweet to my ears, but I have lately come to yearn for more settled pleasures also."

 

Bill nodded, turning to face her. "A warrior's life cannot only be battle, sometimes we must remind ourselves what it is we fight for."

 

They were interrupted by a shout from America. "We're going for coffee, wanna come?"

 

"No thank you."

 

"Nay, but if you could return with a latte with syrup of chocolate I would be in your debt." Sif threw a golden coin to America, who caught it with a grin. "Will do!"

 

"Darcy?" asked Kate, as America and Clint vanished down the corridor.

 

"You do know there's no coffee on this ship right? I checked. Almost died of shock when I found out."

 

"Luckily I have a girlfriend who can punch holes in spacetime to places where that's not a problem." said Kate, as America's star portal slammed into existence. "Coming?"

 

"Sure, why not?"


	3. Coffee shop, AU

They materialized at the back of what seemed at first glance to be a perfectly ordinary coffee shop. The barista, a golden-skinned being whose gender wasn't immediately apparent, looked up at their arrival but immediately went back to their work cleaning the coffee machine suggesting that customers arriving via star portal wasn't a particularly uncommon occurrence.

 

Vibrant abstract prints in jewel colors lined the curved walls that weren't taken up by full length windows over which vines scrambled. The cafe was just full enough to provide a pleasant background chatter without being overcrowded, and about two thirds of the patrons looked human. This would be a good place to bring Bill thought Darcy, then remembered she had no way of getting here on her own.

 

After some discussion America ordered for them in a language Darcy didn't recognize, then guided them to one of the silvery-gray wooden tables by the window. The window overlooked a river, on the far side of which was a wooded hillside. By craning her neck Darcy could just make out tented market stalls on the nearside beneath the cafe. As she watched in astonishment a large fish-like creature swam through the air in front of the window, its sides flickering with bioluminescent patterns which looked like some indecipherable script.

 

"Huh, advertising." snorted America.

 

"This place is amazing!" Darcy gasped.

 

Kate grinned. "Yeah, we come here a lot. They do performance poetry every Fourth Night, and live bands at Parralax. It's just a shame the blossom isn't out on Temple Hill. Wait till you try the food though!"

 

Darcy took a sip of her cappuccino. The milk was perhaps a little creamier than she was used to, but otherwise it tasted just like coffee did on Earth. The cake turned out not to be chocolate but rich, buttery caramel with just a hint of bitter burnt sugar for depth.

 

"What was the eel juice like?" asked Kate

 

She tried to be diplomatic. "I'm sure it grows on you."

 

Clint snorted. "So do warts but you don't have to drink them."

 

Darcy snorted and spilled a few drops of coffee on the table. She reached for a napkin but even as she watched the liquid was absorbed into the silvery wood until there was no sign it had ever been there. She suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable about resting her elbows on the table.

 

"I can't believe you're going to train with Sif! That's such an awesome opportunity!" squeaked Kate.

 

"It is but..." America looked unhappy suddenly. "Asgard's a long way from your Earth princess."

 

"You can always use the BiFoster." offered Darcy. "Heck Heimdall's Sif's brother, I'm sure you could use the BiFrost itself if you wanted to."

 

"Isn't that just for really important journeys though?"

 

Clint shook his head. "Nah, remember that time Thor fought that slime monster and the slime dyed him dayglo orange? Sif came down just to point and laugh at him."

 

Kate looked confused. "How did I miss Thor turning orange?"

 

"Oh that's right, you were off fighting those zombie robot gangsters. Or gangster zombie robots, I don't remember. But it was hilarious. Took about two weeks to fade completely."

 

"The funniest part was the way Jane was skulking around in long sleeve turtlenecks with her hands in her pockets saying she'd just been helping him to wash his hair." Darcy chimed in. "I mean, I kept telling her it would sound less suspicious if she waited till someone asked to say it." Her smile faded. "I hope they're okay."

 

Kate and America exchanged meaningful looks. Kate cleared her throat.

 

"You may be wondering why we've gathered you here today."

 

"Not really, I know you're an even bigger caffeine fiend than me Katiekins." said Clint. Kate scowled at him.

 

"While I can't deny that, we're concerned with a bigger question. I'm speaking of course of The Mystery of Clint Barton's Panties."

 

"The suspect was found at oh nine hundred hours this morning wearing the garment in question." America took over. "The presence of this garment has led us to postulate the existence of person or persons unknown, with whom the suspect did the nasty last night."

 

Clint seemed relaxed. "How do you know they weren't my panties? I might regularly wear frilly panties."

 

"They were pinky-orange not purple, dumbass."

 

"Technically they were apricot." interjected Kate.

 

"Whatever. We initially suspected Natasha Romanov to be the owner of the item in question, but she was swiftly eliminated from our investigation as by the time the suspect disappeared from the party in the company of Carol Danvers, Jessica Drew and Jennifer Walters, who have also been eliminated."

 

"Furthermore, according to a previous statement from the suspect..." Kate pretended to read from her napkin like a notepad. "'Nah, Nat's more a comfy-casual kinda girl. She only wears that lacy shit on missions.'"

 

"You'll never make me talk, I've been trained in resisting interrogation!" said Clint, taking a bite of his muffin.

 

"We have our methods Barton." said America, cracking her knuckles.

 

"Hey, I called Bad Cop!" Kate protested.

 

"This is my good cop chica, I bought you all coffee didn't I?"

 

"Only because your money's no use in this universe!"

 

Darcy was sniggering. "They're gonna crack you like a nut Clint!"

 

"Our postulated unsub," Kate resumed "is a party guest, most probably female, whose whereabouts were unaccounted for at the time of the suspect's disappearance. After extensive profiling work, we have found the most likely suspect to be...Darcy Lewis!"

 

"Hey no fair, I thought I was an interrogator not an interrogatee!"

 

"Things change quickly in a fast-moving investigation like this one chica."

 

"It really wasn't Darcy." Clint was giggling helplessly now.

 

"That's precisely what we expected you to say!"

 

"It wasn't me! I have a cast iron alibi for the night in question! IfyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo."

 

"Really? And I suppose that conveniently the person who can provide this alibi isn't aboard the ship.

 

"Actually they are." said Darcy, then realized what she'd given away.

 

"Sif?" gasped America.

 

"Bill?" choked Kate.

 

"You really should do that SHIELD 'Resisting Interrogation 101' course I keep telling you about." said Clint.

 

Darcy slowly drained her coffee cup, realizing that the balance of power had shifted, and smiled smugly at them.

 

"It seems the tables have turned, and I now have something you want. I can give you that information, at a price of course."

 

"Name it!" snarled Kate.

 

"Another cappuccino and a piece of that cake with the buttercream frosting and the red fruits on top."

 

"Dios mio, the price is too high!" cried America, slamming her fist on the table. Kate checked her with a hand on her arm.

 

"Just think about this, think about what not knowing would mean, spending the rest of this voyage looking at them both, wondering. Are you willing to live like that America? Because I'm not sure that I can."

 

"Think it over." Darcy gloated. "When you're ready, you know where the cake is."

 

"You win this round Lewis." growled America, as she and Kate stood up to order.

 

Clint nodded at her. "Thanks for covering for me."

 

"Don't delude yourself Barton, ours is an alliance of convenience only. If it suited my plans I would betray you in an instant."

 

His eyes narrowed. "If that's the way it is, remember that I have information on you too. One word from me about your little terrace tête-a-tête with the best man..." he inclined his head meaningfully toward the counter "and you can kiss that sweet, creamy fruitcake goodbye."

 

"Dammit you fiend, you win again. Your secret dies with me. Wait, I don't even know your secret!"

 

"Too late, no take-backsies. Hey!" Darcy was attempting to pour sugar in his hair when Kate and America got back with the order.

 

"Thank you." Conscious of their impatience, Darcy slowly stirred the chocolate into her coffee and licked the froth off the spoon. She took a bite of cake and closed her eyes, taking her time to savor it. The fruit was sharp and sweet, the creamy frosting spiced with something warm and rich. She sighed contentedly and took a long drink of coffee.

 

"For the love of the Demiurge, just tell us woman!"

 

"Both."

 

Kate spilled her drink.


	4. Flowering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Flashy Syren for letting me borrow her garden! I hope I've done her lovely fic justice, [ you can read it here.](http://flashysyren.tumblr.com/post/96789262972/worth-the-effort)

"You are certain that I cannot assist?" asked Sif, toying guiltily with the shards of her broken blade. The hole in the deck was larger now, Bill had had to remove several access panels to reach a shattered conduit. He bit the frayed end off a cable and spat it across the deck before answering.

 

"Do not concern yourself too much, Skuttlebutt has had worse. From me, if I'm honest. I must just finish the wiring, then the drones can complete the simple parts."

 

"We can also help with the wiring!"

 

"We are here to assist!" chorused the drones.

 

Bill grunted and went back to his work. "Later. For now maybe you can assist Sif with something."

 

"Seeeeeeef! Would you like a beverage?"

 

"I found part of your sword!"

 

"I thank you, small one." said Sif, struggling not to smile. The fragments of her sword had been in a pile beside her, but she gravely accepted each piece that the drone handed her and piled them in her lap.

 

"Can it be reforged?"

 

"Aye, when we reach Asgard. Until then the training sword that the Lady America was using will suffice."

 

There was a sudden explosion of sparks from the hole in the deck. Apparently that was supposed to happen, as Bill leapt out with a grunt of satisfaction and nudged the drones in with his foot.

 

"Come Sif, I think we can do better than that." he said, striding away toward the bridge. She followed him, confused. He opened a locker on the wall to reveal one of her swords, as well as various other items she had left on Skuttlebutt.

 

"You kept them?"

 

"Of course." Bill sounded hurt.

 

"I meant, after the crash, with the repairs..." Sif stammered awkwardly, trying to compensate for her mistake. Bill silenced her by cupping her head tenderly in one enormous hand, stroking his thumb across her cheek. She rested her own hand over his, longing to nestle against the warmth of his chest but not sure whether she still had that privilege.

 

"Our ways parted for a time Sif, but I never ceased to hold the utmost respect for you. Whatever the future may hold for us, know that I will always be grateful for the time we shared, and I will always be honored to call myself your friend."

 

"Last night..." Sif, always so sure of herself in battle, now struggled for words. "I am also honored to be your friend, and be assured that whenever you wish me to fight beside you or..." she swallowed nervously "share a night's pleasures I shall always do so gladly. We both made decisions and well do I know that one night does not change the past, yet my heart longs for more than just companionship of the bedchamber. Would you consider...trying, once more?"

 

Bill took a long time to reply. "Walk with me please Sif?" he said at last. He led her down a familiar corridor, Sif hardly daring to believe that another memory of their time together remained on the ship.

 

As the doors slid apart Bill removed his boots. This habit had begun as a way of experiencing the pure tactile pleasure of feeling the warm, sandy soil beneath his splayed foot pads. Only later did he reflect that this was was you did outside temples before stepping on sacred ground.

 

Even before the doors opened fully Sif's hopes were confirmed by the rich scent of fragrant growing things and sun-baked dirt that wafted from within. Before her lay the garden she had painstakingly cultivated for Bill from a dusty box of seeds she had found in one of Skuttlebutt's storage rooms.

 

The fleshy-leaved succulents, crowned in carmine or vermilion or darkest purple, were considerably larger than the last time she had seen them. The trees too were taller, their trunks smooth and bulbous of knobbly and contorted, their yellow and khaki leaves swaying gently. Above them warm light shone from the ceiling panels, mimicking the dead sun of a dead world. Gossamer-thin filaments twined about the plants provided the lighting and heating to maintain the garden's specialized microclimate.

 

Bill took her hand and led her to the seating area she had constructed beneath the shade of a graceful vine.

 

"I treasure this place you made for me Sif, not just because it is a memory of Korbin but because you constructed it with such cleverness, with such care. If we are to have a future together perhaps this is the place to talk about it."

 

"I should like that, both to talk and to have a future together, if you are willing." Sif said, leaning against him. He wrapped a heavy arm around her. "I still have my duties, you still have yours, but with the Lady Jane's bridge the galaxy is smaller than it once was. I think they need not separate us as we once feared they must."

 

"What you say is true Sif, I think that perhaps we imagined obstacles out of fear where in truth there are none."

 

Sif laughed. "Few would dispute our places amongst the bravest warriors Asgard has known, yet you are right, in this matter we have been cowards! Perhaps we can learn from the folk of Midgard Bill, they should be so cautious with the little time they have yet they love with an ardency that shames us. What little time I have had the privilege of spending me has reminded me that there are pleasures beyond the battlefield."

 

"Indeed. Our warriors' lives cannot only be combat, there are so many more meaningful interactions to experience."

 

"What of Darcy? I certainly would be loathe to exclude one so lovely, especially after her boldness brought us back together."

 

"The codes of my people have caused me  nothing but pain. If three people wish to love each other why should the antiquated prohibitions of an autocratic order from a vanished world prevent it?"

 

"Thank you Bill. In truth I have longed for her since first Thor introduced us."

 

"She is a remarkable woman." Bill agreed.

 

Sif thought back to the night of the party, to the moment she had seen the intimacy between Bill and Darcy. Now able to recall that moment with a smile, she remembered the emotions she had felt at the time; jealousy, an aching, hollow sadness at the realization that she loved both these people yet would have neither, and another emotion that she had been unable to identify at the time. It was only later, watching Bill remove his armor before that joyful night in Darcy's chamber with no hint of embarrassment or shame, that she recognized it as pride. Bill had accepted himself, accepted that even in the cyborg body that Sif could no longer see as monstrous even if she tried, he was worthy of love. And though he had needed to make that journey for himself she knew that she had helped him on the way.

 

Sif smiled, then reminded herself that there were more difficult matters to discuss.

 

"And Ti Asha Ra? What has become of her?"

 

"We parted as friends. She was a gift Sif, created for me, but you made me see that a person cannot be a gift. We care for each other, but she was not content with her predestined lot as she had every right not to be, and I, I never loved her as she deserved to be loved." He paused. "I never loved her as I love you Sif."

 

To her astonishment the hardened warrior felt tears forming in her eyes. She trying to blink them away then stopped, realizing that Bill was one of the few people she felt safe showing weakness to, knowing that he would not judge her for it. She rested her face against the side of his long muzzle, let him feel the wetness on her cheeks. He rubbed his head gently against hers, huffing softly as he breathed her scent.

 

"I love you too. I always have. Take off your armor" she whispered, knowing how much he loved to be touched. He was almost reluctant to comply at first, requiring as it did an interruption of the contact between them, but the sight of Sif shedding her own was reward enough.

 

Her touch felt like the grooming he had come to accept that the beast in his nature not only craved but required. You are needed, her hands said. You are wanted. You are loved. You belong. He began to purr.

 

"Verily, I do love the way you do that."

 

"Please never make me do it in public, you'll ruin my reputation."

 

"I thought you wished to appear less intimidating?" she teased, kissing him on the chest as she stroked the side of his neck. The purring deepened.

 

"Being feared has its uses, I have found. It makes it much less likely that you will actually have to hurt someone."

 

"But being loved is better surely?" Her kisses tracked up his chest until she was in position to slowly lick the hollow of his throat.

 

He closed his eyes and surrendered to bliss. "Yes. Yes it is."

 

Afterwards Sif lay on his broad chest, idly tracing runic love letters on his skin with her fingers.

 

"You have extended the garden." she observed, looking around

 

"Yes I took out the wall so it could grow into the next bay. I lack your skills though, the trees do not fruit for me. I took what cuttings I could but they are not thriving in their new surroundings. Without you Sif, the garden lives but it cannot grow."

 

Sif nodded. "A garden is not simply composed of plants Bill. I inoculated the soil with the simplest creatures needed to ensure the cycling of the nutrients that allow it to flourish, pollinated the flowers myself, but for it to grow we must introduce insects, pollinators, decomposers..."

 

"Perhaps the little golden lizards that would bask on rocks like these? They sang so beautifully."

 

"If you wish it."

 

"And this could be done?"

 

"It could. Skuttlebutt has the life-lore of all these creatures stored in her databanks. To reconstruct them would be difficult, but the Lady Jane has a friend the Lady Betty who is skilled in such arts, an enchantress in the Midgardian fashion."

 

"Hello!? Is this thing on?" Kate's voice erupted from the speakers at twice the usual volume, causing them both to leap to their feet with a start.

 

"We can hear you Kate." said Bill, in a tone that suggested he wasn't exactly pleased about this fact.

 

"Can you come down to the hangar bay and talk to Skuttlebutt? She won't let Darcy out of the decontamination chamber!"


	5. Decontamination

Just as Kate had said, Sif and Bill found Darcy trapped in the decontamination chamber talking to the drone bouncing excitedly on the other side of the glass. Clint, America and Kate had were watching her from a worried huddle nearby.

 

"Can you let me out little ones?" she asked.

 

"We are happy to assist you! We will let you out once decontamination is complete!"

 

"I've been in here for ever! I must be decontaminated by now! I'm probably less contaminated than I've ever been in my life!"

 

"Decontamination cannot be complete because you have not been released from the decontamination chamber! You will be released once decontamination is complete!"

 

As they were speaking the decontamination field reached Darcy's feet and shut off. Everyone held their breath for a second, then the field reappeared at the top of the chamber and started working its way down again.

 

Sif strode up to the glass. "Darcy? Are you hurt?"

 

"I'm fine but your latte's getting cold. And I really need to pee but I'm not doing it in a glass box in front of everyone"

 

"Can you get her out? We all got released after one pass but she's been stuck in there since we got back!" explained Clint.

 

"What's going on Skuttlebutt?" Bill asked.

 

[It's standard protocol to..]

 

[Use your speakers so everyone can hear please.]

 

"It's standard protocol to decontaminate everyone returning to the ship, to remove harmful pathogens and energy traces that may be damaging." a synthetic but distinctly feminine voice rang through the bay

 

Clint started. "I didn't know the ship could talk!"

 

"She's been sulking." Bill grumbled. "So now Darcy's been decontaminated can you let her out?"

 

"Negative. There has been a glitch. She will have to stay there for another forty seven decontamination cycles before it can be resolved."

 

"What?? I really do have to pee, like, seriously."

 

America turned to Bill. "Kate said I shouldn't kick a hole in the chamber till I asked you so can I kick a hole in it now?"

 

Bill groaned and rested his muzzle in his palm. "No America, please don't kick a hole in it."

 

[Thank you.]

 

"Yet."

 

[Bill?]

 

With a groan Bill closed his eyes and let his consciousness drift through Skuttlebutt's programming.

 

[Wait, what are you doing?]

 

[You said there was a glitch, I'm trying to find it and fix it.]

 

[But you hate doing this! It gives you a headache!]

 

[Would you rather I let America smash the chamber? Now be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.] He rode the intertwining strings of code, feeling for the corrupted section.

 

[Okay, okay, fine. There is no glitch, it was a joke, I just thought it'd be funny if she got trapped in there a while.]

 

"WHAT??" Bill opened his eyes to find everyone staring at him, except for Sif who was used to his telepathic arguments with Skuttlebutt and the drones who had found a small piece of trash in the corner and were fighting each other over who got to pick it up.

 

"Ahem. Uh, it was Skuttlebutt's idea of a practical joke. Skuttlebutt, please let Darcy go now or I'll let America kick the chamber in."

 

[Please, you're bluffing. If you really wanted to smash the chamber you could do it yourself.]

 

Bill glanced at America, who was now hopping from foot to foot in barely suppressed frustration. [Yes but I get the impression she'd enjoy it more than I would.]

 

[Fine, be like that.]

 

With an anticlimactic click the decontamination field flickered off and the chamber snapped open. Darcy darted out into Sif's arms. Acting purely on instinct Bill flung his arms around both of them, snuffling at Darcy's scent to reassure himself his pack was safe. Sif ran a comforting hand along his jaw.

 

"Uh guys? This is nice but I really do have to pee. I'll be back in a second." Darcy extricated herself and ran away, leaving a lukewarm latte behind her.

 

"Okay, suddenly feeling a lot less happy here now it turns out the ship has a weird sense of humor." muttered Clint. Kate's hand on her bow and America's murderous expression signalled their agreement.

 

"I can only apologize, and assure you it won't happen again." said Bill. [That wasn't funny Skuttlebutt, and you alarmed our guests. What's the matter with you at the moment?]

 

[If she's alarmed by a little thing like that she won't last very long round here will she?]

 

"It had better not!" said Clint, looking up at Bill and feeling slightly ridiculous even as he said it.

 

"I'm so sorry." [We need to talk about this. In private.]

 

[Doesn't get much more private than inside your head. If you've got something to say, say it. She doesn't belong here.]

 

[That is not your decision to make!]

 

Darcy came racing back, hurrying in case Skuttlebutt remembered to stop the doors working for her again. "Did I miss something?"

 

"It would appear that Bill has things to discuss with Skuttlebutt." said Sif, who had guessed the gist of the conversation she couldn't hear.

 

Darcy considered. "I think I have too. Look why don't you guys go back to the bridge and I'll stay down here and have a little chat."

 

"You are certain?"

 

"Yup. Go on, off you go!" She waved then away. When they had finally and reluctantly she climbed back into the decontamination chamber, crossing her legs and resting her back against one of the metal struts.

 

"Okay, I know you can talk in here. What's your problem with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This is one of the decontamination chambers if anyone was wondering.](http://stardustandstrawberries.tumblr.com/post/102886166967/for-anyone-reading-geekhunter-who-was-wondering)


	6. Heart to CPU

"So hey, gigantic terrifying starship, it seems like you've got a problem with me?" Darcy persisted. "And not a huge problem or you'd just dump me out the air lock, but just enough of a problem to make my life difficult with the doors and the decontamination and the eel juice which by the way I can still taste even after two slices of cake and a lot of coffee." Silence. "I probably shouldn't have said that. Please don't dump me out the airlock."

 

"I wouldn't do that Darcy."

 

"Awesome! We're already making progress! Okay, why do you have a problem with me?"

 

"I don't have a problem with you as a person, I have a problem with you being here."

 

"And you thought the best way to get me to leave was to make everything really annoying? Umm, I don't know if you know this but humans can't breathe in space. You're kind of stuck with me till we find Jane. So why don't you want me here? It's about Bill isn't it?"

 

"Yes, it's about Bill."

 

"Are you jealous?"

 

"Please. I'm an AI Darcy, I don't have the hormones to want to do all those undignified things you organisms get up to."

 

"So what is it then?"

 

"I'm sure you're a very nice person Darcy..."

 

"Damn right, I'm lovely."

 

"...but you have to realize you're not right for Bill."

 

"Excuse me? Because I think there are two, maybe three people who get to decide that, and none of them are you."

 

"Your lives are just too different. You don't belong out here in space, and one night together doesn't change that."

 

"Oh my god, please tell me you weren't in his head or whatever it is you do last night."

 

"Of course not, we do have some concept of privacy and anyway I was busy."

 

"Boning JARVIS."

 

"Please, we were not 'boning', we were engaged in a highly intricate mutual exchange and recombination of subroutines."

 

"You were boning. So what, it's okay for you to hook up but not him?"

 

"We understood that that was a time-limited interface, not an ongoing network integration! You don't seem to!"

 

"Are you saying I'm good for a one night stand but I'm not girlfriend material?!"

 

"Face it Darcy, if even the idea of our telepathic connection makes you uncomfortable how are you going to cope when his best friend's mom gets possessed by a DNA-stealing alien or he gets kidnapped by sentient viruses or attacked by chaos demons?"

 

"That's different, I'm sure you wouldn't want someone watching your ongoing interfacing either! So you basically think I'm not good enough because I haven't seen enough weird shit? Because let me tell you, I have been there, done that, tasered it, Instagrammed it and got the T-shirt in a variety of necklines and colorways. And that still doesn't change the fact that Bill's the one who gets to make his own choices, not you."

 

"And look how well that usually works out! The amount of trouble he gets himself into!"

 

"Look, the whole overprotective big sister of a starship thing is cute and all but do I have to point out that he's a basically indestructible warrior cyborg with the powers of a god? I mean there are people you have to worry about getting hurt, and there are people you don't, and I'm pretty sure he falls into the second category here."

 

Skuttlebutt took so long to reply that Darcy began to think she had simply stopped talking again. When she finally replied the anger was gone. "There are other ways that people can get hurt Darcy. Bill's more vulnerable than you think."

 

"That's what this is all about? You're worried that I'll hurt him? What can I do to prove I won't? We're on the same side here Skuttlebutt, I don't want to see him hurt either!"

 

"I don't doubt your intentions Darcy, but you will end up hurting him whether you want to or not."

 

"No offense, but you said yourself you don't have all the hormones and glands and wobbly bits that get involved in these things. What do you know about it?"

 

Skuttlebutt seemed to be considering. "This might be easier if I showed you something."

 

"Erm, okay? But if it involves putting probes in my brain or anything I'm happy to go with difficult."

 

"No probes in your brain, don't worry." The lights in the bay dimmed and a holographic projection of a pack of animals flickered into existence in front of Darcy. They had heads like Bill's but were quadrupeds with lean, predatory bodies. Cubs like chubby, wriggly ponies frolicked around them, wrestling with each other and rolling on the ground. Darcy couldn't help it in the face of such cuteness. She squee'd.

 

"These are the creatures whose DNA was used to build Bill's cyborg body." said Skuttlebutt, sounding vaguely disapproving as Darcy reached out to see if she could stroke one of the cubs. Sadly her hand went straight through the hologram.

 

"After a successful hunt the pack relaxes in the afternoon sunshine." came the rich, placid voice of the narrator, and Darcy wondered if the same sort of person ended up making nature documentaries on every planet.

 

"There is time for play, and for grooming. Maintaining social bonds is very important within the pack." Two of the adult creatures began to nuzzle against each other. One started to lick the other's muzzle, working up its face and down its neck. Both purred with pleasure. Darcy squeaked.

 

"But danger is always present in this harsh landscape, and these moments of relaxation are short." The image of the adult creatures faded as the hologram zoomed in on an adorable cub, batting a rock with an oversized paw.

 

"Oh not the little cub? Something's not going to happen to the cub is it?" pleaded Darcy.

 

Skuttlebutt paused the documentary. "It's a recording Darcy. These creatures, their whole species, died long ago when our planet was destroyed."

 

"Yes, but, cub!" The documentary resumed. The cub succeeded in moving the rock and was so surprised it jumped backwards and fell over, its little legs wiggling in the air. The focus of the hologram shifted again, the powerful jaws and pointed teeth of some other species of predatory creature coming into focus behind the cub. It licked its lipless snout.

 

"Oh nonononononono!" whimpered Darcy, watching through her fingers.

 

The predator crept closer, watching the cub with a calm, reptilian focus. The cub itself had given up trying to right itself and was trying to bite its own hind foot.

 

"Nooooooooooo!"

 

With a roar that, even recorded, shook the entire room another creature burst onto the scene. Savage jaws closed around the luckless predator, slicing it in two with an audible crunch. Darcy, not used to watching documentaries in three dimensions, lurched back and hit her head on the side of the chamber.

 

The new arrival was clearly similar to the adults she had seen earlier and also had a head like Bill's (albeit now covered in alien blood), but unlike them it was enormous with powerful shoulders and massive claws. It bellowed as it stomped what remained of the lizard into the dust, then sniffed at the cub making a questioning, warbling sound. In response the cub licked its nose, and it did an odd little happy capering dance on the spot.

 

"That's...that's what they made Bill's body out of?" gulped Darcy.

 

"Not just his body. They wired those protective instincts deep into his brain, made the need to protect his pack, his people, the very foundation of who he is."

 

The largest creature picked the protesting pup up, holding it gently in its terrifying jaws, and returned it to the pack where it scampered away to join its companions.

 

"In response to the dangers they face the species has evolved a protector caste, powerful defenders whose job it is to keep the hunters and young safe from harm."

 

The other adult creatures now faded back into focus, snuggling against the protector and grooming the blood from its muzzle. Another of the larger protectors lumbered into view and lay down beside it, resting its huge head on its sibling's flank. Squeaking, the cubs jumped onto the pile, batting at its paws. It teased them playfully, careful to keep its vicious claws well away.

 

"Aaaaaaaw!" cooed Darcy, determinedly ignoring how much Skuttlebutt was probably judging her right now.

 

The hologram faded and was replaced by another - the same pack of creatures, but thinner and dustier looking now, in a landscape that looked distinctly more arid. "But as the seasons change so too do the pack's needs." said the narrator. "In times of plenty the pack can catch enough meat to sustain two large protectors. But when the rains fail yet again their appetites become a heavy burden. In these difficult times the pack must make hard choices to ensure their survival."

 

"Nature's cruel isn't it?" said Darcy uneasily.

 

"Not nearly as cruel as people." Skuttlebutt replied.

 

One of the protectors walked up to a lazing hunter and gave its neck a friendly snuffle. The hunter ignored it. The protector nuzzled the hunter and, when that failed to elicit a response, licked its face. The hunter got up and walked away.

 

"When a pack decides a protector has become a burden they will start to ostracize it. Without the allogrooming it depends upon to reassure it of its status within the pack it will eventually lose the motivation to feed itself."

 

Darcy bit her knuckles as she watched the large beast being rejected by one pack member after another.

 

"But then they take it back right? Later, when there's enough food for everyone? Skuttlebutt?"

 

The documentary cut to a scene of the protector lying alone by a rock. Darcy thought it was dead at first, then noticed its slow, shallow breathing.

 

"After that, it loses the motivation to do anything at all. When it is rejected by the pack the protector will eventually die."

 

A birdlike creature alighted next to the face that looked so much like Bill's and pecked at its mouth hard enough to draw blood. It shifted its head a few inches. After the second peck it didn't bother.

 

"No! Turn it off! Turn it off! I get the picture!" When Darcy cautiously opened her eyes the hologram was gone.

 

Skuttlebutt's voice was sad when she finally spoke. "You see Darcy, Bill needs to be needed, he needs a pack to protect. When he thought the Korbinites had been wiped out it almost destroyed him. To Asha Ra leaving hurt more than he'll admit. I'm sorry to be blunt Darcy but you're mortal - even if you don't end up leaving because everything is so different and strange you'll die eventually. Surely it's better to end things now before he gets too attached."

 

"Okay, yes I'm going to die and yes you can never know in advance how long a relationship will last, but Bill knows that too! I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because I guess computers need to learn about people any way they can, but you can't just try and understand people by watching Animal Planet. Bill may have some instincts from those creatures but he's not one of them. I mean he's not running around on all fours catching lizards, he wears clothes! He leaves clothes all round the ship! He eats pie! He has opinions on my music, which okay are mostly stupid opinions but what I mean is he's smart enough to make his own decisions!"

 

"I just don't want him to get hurt again!'

 

"Okay, you've met Jane haven't you Skuttlebutt?"

 

"Yes."

 

"And you've seen Thor with her? You've seen the way Thor looks at her? She's mortal, and I'm pretty sure that when she dies it's going to break him. And she knows that too. I mean it looks like the perfect relationship from the outside but they've had their ups and downs. That's why it took them so long to finally decide to get married, she was so scared she was going to hurt him."

 

"What changed?"

 

"He made her realize that was his choice to make, not hers." Darcy licked her lips, shifted awkwardly against the hard metal pillar. "I'm on your team Skuttlebutt, I'm on team Bill here. But you have to accept that in the end it's not my choice, and it's not your choice either, it's Bill's."

 

Darcy took a deep breath. " They made him like that didn't they? Someone made the choice to use that creature because of how its packs work. They made him like that and then they didn't give him a pack that cared about him. At least give him the chance to find one for himself Skuttlebutt."

 

She waited so long that she was beginning to wonder if the AI had shut off her speakers when Skuttlebutt replied. "You're right, Darcy, you're completely right and I'm sorry. I've been stupid and really petty towards you."

 

"Hey, you're a terrifying intergalactic battleship who refuels by eating suns. Petty is good. If you ever get mad at me again I'm requesting petty."

 

"Thank you. I do just worry about him so much...Bill's all I have."

 

"Skuttlebutt, Bill keeps saying you and him were created by the same technology. Were you once hu...did you once have a body I mean?"

 

"I have a body Darcy. You're sitting in it."

 

"Oh yeah, right." Darcy scrambled to her feet. "I'm glad we talked. If I want to talk to you again do I have to come down here or...?"

 

"No I have microphones everywhere, I was just refusing to use them. You can talk to me anywhere onboard and I'll reply. But now I think you'd better get to the bridge. Kate has just found a stowaway and Bill has no idea what to do with him."


	7. Stowaway

By the time Darcy got to the bridge Bill had apparently reached the Despair stage of Dealing With Deadpool (the previous stages being Bewilderment, Denial and Anger) and was pleading with him to explain how he had managed to evade Skuttlebutt's sensors for so long. The mercenary himself was sprawled in the pilot's seat, cutting his fingernails with a katana.

 

"Yeah I'm going to be deliberately evasive about that sorry because Stardust and Strawberries isn't quite sure how that worked herself." A sliver of fingernail bounced off the end of Bill's nose.

 

Still traumatized by the documentary she rushed up to him. Bill was surprised but not displeased to suddenly find himself with an armful of warm, squirming Darcy, but less impressed that Deadpool whistled and tried to high five him.

 

It seemed that Sif was still in Stage Three.

 

"Why came you aboard this ship, mercenary? Do you have some scheme of which we are unaware?"

 

"If I do I'm not aware of it either. What does this button do?"

 

Deadpool's reflexes were fast. Fortunately for a nearby moon that would otherwise have ended up as a dust cloud, Bill's mental command to disable manual controls was faster. He jabbed the button a few more times just in case, then when nothing stubbornly continued to happen slouched back in the chair.

 

"Your own motives must be known to you!"

 

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?"

 

Sif drew her sword. "Your insolence tires me. Explain yourself!"

 

Clint leapt forward to try and calm things down, as Deadpool slumped in the chair. Even under his mask his features crumpled visibly.

 

"I just had more fun at that party than I have in a long time okay? I mean everyone was drunk enough to talk to me. And when everyone started leaving I just got so lonely and I didn't want it to stop so I came with you!"

 

Bill stepped forward and placed his arm on Sif's as she lowered her sword.

 

"Next time you should ask first. But Skuttlebutt has plenty of cabins that should be more comfortable than an air vent."

 

"Wait, he's coming with us?" asked America, shocked.

 

"We cannot bring him to the wedding!" gasped Sif.

 

"What else can we do? We can't turn back!"

 

"Saw you what he did at the party with the device for cutting pizza? Verily one would have expected that the fact he inflicted the injury upon himself would have lessened the horror of his actions, yet in truth it did not!"

 

Darcy addressed Deadpool. "At the party I asked you not to offend anyone or damage anything. Can you promise not to do that on this ship?"

 

"Uh, I'm not entirely sure he can?" muttered Clint, scratching his head awkwardly. "He doesn't exactly think like we do, and that's just how he is, there's nothing he can do about it."

 

Bill sighed. "We'll just have to live with that then."

 

"Aye aye Captain!" Deadpool snapped off something approximating a salute as America groaned.

 

***

 

Half an hour later Deadpool had found a chair in the corner of the mess room and was quietly reading a Hello Kitty comic. Kate and America had offered to cook dinner and Clint had joined them, mostly to ensure that Wade and America didn't attack each other.

 

Kate started opening cabinets at random until she found one that seemed to be the refrigerator. "Okay, so we have...pouches of stuff."

 

"That's meat, and that looks like a vegetable." offered Clint.

 

"We know that dumbass." grumbled America. She picked up one of the pouches and flapped it at a passing drone. "Hey, what's this?"

 

"Food!"

 

"What kind of food?"

 

"An appropriate nutritional blend for humanoid organisms!"

 

"Yes but what's it made of?"

 

"Carbon and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and phosphorus and..."

 

"Okay, never mind. Thank you." said America, who was fighting the urge to punch something.

 

"I am happy to assist!" squeaked the drone, scurrying away.

 

"We could open one?" Kate suggested.

 

"Then we'd have to eat it. What if it's horrible?"

 

"This one's butter." said Clint, holding out a tub of something pale green and greasy looking and licking his finger.

 

"Did you just stick your finger in it?" demanded Kate.

 

"Just to test it!"

 

"You can just go putting your fingers in other peoples' food! That's really unhygienic!" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You've never done that at our place have you?"

 

"Er, no." he lied.

 

America was investigating the cabinets. "There's bread, and some sort of grain!" she called, pulling out a container.

 

"And sriracha!" called Clint. Deadpool wandered over looking interested for the first time while Kate and America stared.

 

"You're kidding me!"

 

"He has been spending a lot of time on Earth lately."

 

"And the only thing he bothered buying was a condiment?"

 

"Smart guy." Deadpool nodded approvingly.

 

"Do something useful and chop this would you?" asked Clint, handing him an unidentified alien vegetable. He pulled out a sword.

 

"Swish! Swish! Swish! Whoops! Heheheheh. Swish!"

 

Kate had been examining the container of grain. Suddenly she slammed the lid back on, hurled it back in the cabinet and closed the door with a force that shook the galley. The others stared at her quizzically.

 

"It's not grain." she explained.

 

"What is it?"

 

"It's insects. Dried insects."

 

"Oh for the love of..." America threw her hands in the air. "That's it, I'm getting us something we know how to cook." She spun around, kicked a hole in the universe and disappeared through it.

 

"Get coffee!" Kate called through the shrinking portal after her.

 

"She's really not taking the whole 'being on a spaceship' thing seriously is she?" Clint muttered, uncorking a bottle. He sniffed it experimentally and turned gray.

 

"Eel juice?"

 

"Worse. Mead."

 

"Asgardian mead?"

 

"Well yeah, what other type is there?"

 

"You do know we have mead on Earth right?" she saw his bewildered expression an sighed. "Never mind." She took the bottle from him and poured herself a glass.

 

"Hey, don't do that!"

 

"I've never tried it before!"

 

"And you don't want to! That stuff can get Steve drunk. It's dangerous, one drink and next thing you know you're waking up on a spaceship wearing someone else's underwear."

 

"Well I'm already on a spaceship wearing America's underwear so what have I got to lose?" She took a sip. "That's really nice!"

 

"That's how it gets you. Also, waaaay tmi. Come on, that's enough now!"

 

"I'm twenty one Clint!"

 

"I chopped it!"

 

"Great, do this one now!" said Clint, tossing another curiously shaped vegetable to Deadpool. When he turned back Kate was curled up on the floor giggling.

 

"Aaaw, Kate!"

 

America reappeared with a flash of blue light and three bulging grocery bags.

 

"Okay, what did you do to Kate?"

 

"It's not my fault! Why does everyone always assume everything's my fault?" Clint protested.

 

America snorted. "Experience."

 

"I can see right up your top from this angle." observed Kate, gazing up adoringly from the floor. America scooped her up gently and deposited her in a chair.

 

"She drank some Asgardian mead okay?"

 

"And you didn't try to stop her?"

 

Clint made an incoherent noise. America sniffed and downed the glass.

 

"What did you do that for?"

 

"I always finish her drinks for her. Chill, it doesn't affect me."

 

"Whatever." Clint started counting. By the time he reached six America had torn a cabinet door off trying to keep her balance and then slithered gracelessly up the wall.

 

"Voy a buscar Bill. Creo que hay problema con el gravedad sintético."

 

Clint craned his neck upwards. "Why don't you go and sit with Kate for a bit? You probably shouldn't be flying drunk. And you do know you're speaking Spanish right?"

 

"Why are you on the ceiling America?"

 

"No estoy en el techo, eres la que estas en el techo, princess."

 

"Do you ever wonder why it's called the ceiling? Is it because it's sealing the room? Come down here and give me a cuddle anyway!"

 

"'K!" America's descent was less than graceful but she eventually ended up in Kate's lap, where she immediately fell asleep. Kate soon followed her.

 

"Looks like it's down to The Avengers to save the day again!" crowed Deadpool, who had found an apron and chef's hat somewhere.

 

"You're not an Avenger Wade. Okay, we can do this. See if you can melt the, uh, butter stuff and then we'll fry the things in it."

 

***

 

Kate and America were groggy but awake by the time a proud Wade and Clint served dinner. Darcy took a cautious bite and to her surprise found it was delicious.

 

"So what's the plan when we get there?"

 

"Skuttlebutt's sensors should be able to detect them from orbit. Once that..."

 

He was interrupted by an earsplitting scream from Clint.

 

"THERE'S A FINGER IN MY STEW!"

 

Deadpool reached over and plucked it off his dish. "Thanks, I wondered where that went to. Let me know when someone finds the other one."

 

There was a clatter as six people downed their cutlery and pushed their plates away.

 

"I find I am..."

 

"...not as hungry as I expected..."

 

"...no appetite..."

 

"...I ate a lot of cake earlier..."

 

"...just remembered I must attend to a, uh, thing..."

 

"...I can help you with the thing..."

 

"...need to count my arrows..."

 

"Seriously?! Um, I mean me too!"

 

"YOU COOKED YOUR FUCKING FINGERS IN THE STEW!" shrieked America as she joined the stampede out of the mess room.

 

"Since when were you Gordon Ramsay?" grumbled Wade as he helped himself to the plate that had been Sif's.


	8. Mating behavior

Darcy stood in the doorway of Sif's cabin, trying and failing to keep the drones out while Bill and Sif sat on the bunk and laughed at her.

 

"We really don't need any assistance I promise! Why don't you go help the guys making dinner?"

 

"Perhaps you will need assistance later? It would save you inconvenience if you do to have us close by!"

 

"You being here would be the opposite of assisting! It'll make it impossible for us to...do...what we want to do!"

 

"What is it that you want to do? We could devise a more efficient way for you to do it that would allow us to assist!"

 

"This is an organism thing! That organisms do most efficiently with other organisms!" Darcy was very aware of the chuckling from behind her.

 

"We are familiar with the parameters of biological organisms! We could use this knowledge to assist!"

 

"No you couldn't because...this is organism time okay? Sometimes organisms need to spend time with other organisms and do...organism things!"

 

The drone tilted its head to one side and chirped in confusion. Darcy took advantage of the moment to slam the door lock button.

 

"'Organism time' is not a euphemism I am familiar with, but I feel it merits wider use." Sif smirked as Bill rubbed her shoulders, careful not to let his claws touch her skin. Darcy joined them on the bed.

 

"Don't get me wrong, the Skuttlebots are adorable but they really don't like being left alone do they?"

 

"They're not called Skuttlebots Darcy!" Bill protested.

 

Sif grinned. "It would appear that they are now."

 

Sif's cabin was just as gray and utilitarian as Darcy's own, but the addition of a shield on the wall, a thick, soft animal pelt on the bunk and a holographic projection of a roaring open fire gave it a distinctly Asgardian feel. Darcy wasn't sure if it was the psychological effect of the fire or whether the artificial climate was hotter here than elsewhere on Skuttlebutt but either way it was certainly too warm for her cardigan. Sif grinned as she slipped it off and began to discard what remained of her own armor.

 

Darcy hesitated. "Look, before we have...organism time, I had a bit of a talk with Skuttlebutt and I just want to make sure we're all on the same page here."

 

Bill groaned. "What did she say to you? I'm so sorry if she was rude, I'll talk her round eventually but the way she's been treating you really isn't fair."

 

"No! No it's nothing like that. It's just...well we're all different species from different cultures aren't we, and Skuttlebutt made me realize that we're all going into this with different needs and expectations and, well, I just want to make sure that we all know what's going on with each other so no one gets hurt."

 

Darcy was beginning to appreciate the subtleties of Bill's expressions, and was fairly certain the one he was wearing was shock. "Skuttlebutt suggested that? That's a lot more sensible than anything I'd have expected from her."

 

"Well actually she told me a bunch of stuff about you then gave me the shovel talk, but I decided to talk about things." They stared at her in confusion. "Umm, shovel talk, basically if you do anything to hurt someone I care about I'll kill you. And bury you. Uh, with a shovel. That's why it's called a shovel talk."

 

"She threatened to kill you?!" Bill had gone beyond shocked and was now positively horrified.

 

"No! No! Okay, I'm really sorry, can I start all this again without the colloquialisms?" It felt right to take Sif's hand with one hand and Bill's massive paw with the other. 

 

"Skuttlebutt basically said that she was worried I was going to hurt you, and explained why, and I just want to make completely sure that I won't. So I just want to say that I love you both, and I really enjoy the time we spend together. I'd like to stay together in this relationship for as long as possible, but I understand that we're all very different people with different lives, and lifespans for that matter, and that people change and circumstances change. So I'm basically saying I can't promise I'll be in this relationship forever, though it would be nice if I could.

 

Sif, I kind of think that's the way things work on Asgard too from what Thor's said, but if I'm wrong please correct me. But Bill, Skuttlebutt kind of told me that you needed commitment and people leaving really hurt you. And if that's something you need, if the fact I can't promise that is going to end up hurting you, then I'd rather end things now than hurt you a lot further down the road, because I really like you and I don't want to do that to you."

 

"She showed you the documentary didn't she?" said Sif.

 

"She showed you too?"

 

"What documentary?" asked Bill, perplexed. "Darcy, I don't know what Skuttlebutt said to you, and I'm going to talk to her later, but of course I don't expect a lifelong commitment from you."

 

"I think I might be able to explain." said Sif. "Skuttlebutt is an AI, and thus her thinking is the sum of her programming. It seems she thinks that we operate in the same way, and that Bill's reactions to loss are those of the social predator from which his body was constructed. I know that is insulting but she is concerned for you Bill."

 

Bill sighed. "In many ways she's right, I'm not just Korbinite any more, a lot of my reactions are more animal. But I'd have hoped she realized I was aware of that and could actually think about it! I'd never expect something so unreasonable from a lover just because of my instincts!"

 

"But would you be okay though, if someone left? You wouldn't, like, die or something?" Darcy finally found the courage to ask.

 

Bill groaned. "What has she been showing you? No, I would be sad for a while, and then I'd get over it, probably in much the same way you would."

 

"So we're all cool?"

 

They both nodded. "We are all cool." said Sif.

 

"Would this be an appropriate situation for a 'high five'?" asked Bill.

 

"Not entirely, but you know what, let's go with it." Darcy and Bill slapped hands. She tried to do the same with Sif but the warrior simply spun her and lifted her into her lap.

 

"You should request to see what remains of the documentary someday, my pretty one. Parts of it are extremely instructive."

 

"Instructive how?" asked Bill, concerned.

 

Sif patted him on the thigh. "There is no cause for alarm my love, the women in your life are simply conspiring against you."

 

"Tell me sweetling." she whispered, leaning so close Darcy could feel her breath fluttering on her cheek. "How feel you about being bitten?"

 

"Not hard enough to leave a mark, and depends where."

 

"Right here." Sif ran a finger slowly down the back of her neck and Darcy felt a corresponding shiver run down her spine.

 

"Very much okay with that."

 

"Then bend forward." Darcy did as she was told. Sif crouched behind her, cupping the soft heaviness of her breast in one hand and gently rolling the nipple between thumb and finger. Darcy whimpered softly.

 

Sif locked eyes with Bill, making sure she had his full attention, flashing her little sharp white teeth in a wicked smile. With her other hand she swept the silk of Darcy's hair from the back of her neck and bit her.

 

Bill moaned.


	9. Subterfuge

"Shhh! I think I heard something!" America's face gained an unearthly cast, illuminated as it was by the flickering beam of the flashlight in Clint's quivering hand.

 

"Maybe you imagined it?" said Kate hopefully, but she huddled closer to her just in case.

 

"No there it is again! Footsteps!" And this time Kate heard it too. "The flashlight!" she hissed.

 

In panic Clint fumbled with the switch, cursing under his breath as it failed to turn off. He covered the bulb with his hand, bathing the three of them in an eerie bloodshot glow before finally plunging them into darkness.

 

They waited in trembling silence, listening to the footsteps and now the muttering. He doesn't think the same way as us, Clint thought desperately to himself even as the footsteps drew closer. Maybe he won't look behind the counter.

 

The corner of the blanket covering them twitched. "Hello?" said Darcy, poking her head underneath. Clint squawked and jumped into Kate's lap.

 

"Aaw man, I was making a sandwich!" she protested, pulling the blanket off to reveal the three of them sat around a pile of food. Clint stood up, revealing a sad-looking empty plate in her lap and two slices of bread stuck to the seat of his pants. "Yeah, you buttered your butt Barton. I hope you're proud of yourself."

 

"You may as well take them off Clint. It's not like anyone who was at the party hasn't seen you without pants before. Or anyone who's fought with the Avengers. Or anyone who watched that thing in Boston on the news. Or that thing in Sao Paulo. Or Dakar. Or..."

 

"Alright alright everyone gets the picture." grumbled Clint as he stripped.

 

Bill and Sif were watching the scene in amused bewilderment. "Perhaps if we're all having breakfast we should call Wade?" Bill suggested. "Skuttleb..." He didn't get to finish as America leapt up and clamped a hand over the end of his snout.

 

"Don't call him! We don't want Deadpool to know we're here because he's the reason we're all starving, because he took 'fingers in all the pies' literally! Why did you think we were hiding behind the counter with a flashlight under a blanket?"

 

"Mmmmmph?"

 

"Oh sorry." America released him.

 

"I wasn't sure but I'm wasn't really familiar with Earth customs to know this wasn't normal."

 

Darcy laughed and patted him on the arm. "Whoah, missed opportunity to convince you we always eat breakfast in the dark and in hiding."

 

Bill grunted. "Did you teach her to do that?" he grumbled to Sif.

 

"Nay, but it is well that a student should show initiative." America grinned.

 

"Poor Wade. At least he did the washing up."

 

"Looks like he did some of his own too." said Darcy, who had been rummaging among the drying crockery and now pulled out a pair of sai by the handles.

 

"Leave it chica, or you might find he washed a pair of his tightey-whiteys in there too and then none of us would be able to eat on this ship again."

 

Darcy leapt away from the drying pile as though she'd been stung. "Why would you even say something like that?" she whimpered.

 

Bill and Sif had joined the others sitting on the floor. Bill helped himself to an apple from America's shopping trip, and swallowed it in one bite. Sif cut thick slices of the dark bread and spread it with the green butter. She offered a slice to Kate, who took it with a pointed look at Clint, then fetched down the tub that they had thought contained grain and sprinkled the dried insects on top of the slices for Bill and herself. Darcy industriously spread Nutella on her bread and tried to look inconspicuous.

 

"Could I try some?" asked America, then noting Kate's look of horror. "Most people eat insects you know. It's your culture in your universe that's weird princess." Sif handed her a slice, which she chewed cautiously. "They're not bad actually. Kinda like jerky but peppery."

 

"I'm never kissing you again." muttered Kate.

 

Bill seemed distracted, and after finishing his sandwich headed for the bridge. Darcy shared a look with Sif and went after him. She almost ran into Deadpool in the doorway but dodged past him with a quick murmured "Good morning."

 

"What's this, clothing optional breakfast?" asked Wade, spotting Clint. "Nice idea!" He began to peel off his costume.

 

"I hate my life." Clint muttered 

 

***

 

The last few days had been something of a crash course in reading Bill's body language, and Darcy could tell immediately from the slope of his neck and the set of his shoulders that something was wrong. The fact that he was clutching Stormbreaker was also a clue.

 

"What's up?"

 

Bill started, so absorbed had he been that he hadn't heard her approach.

 

"You know do you that Thor's hammer and mine share an enchantment? Through Stormbreaker I can sense Mjolnir's presence?" Darcy nodded as Bill stared at the hammer in his hand.

 

"The closer we get, the less certain I am that Mjolnir is on that planet."


	10. Clues

Bill led the way to the armory, the three Skuttlebots bobbing along behind him like ducklings.

 

"Oh my God is that a Kree Plasma Bow?" Kate bounded through the doors before they'd finished opening and picked it up squealing like a child with a Christmas present. "And there's another one too, would you like it Clint?"

 

"I'm good thanks, no point complicating things if you don't need to."

 

"Says the man with a FREAKING USB ARROW."

 

As Deadpool tested out an array of intriguingly pointy things on himself, Bill fell back into a familiar argument with the Skuttlebots.

 

"No you can't come!"

 

"But we want to assist!"

 

"Either we'll just find them and bring them back, in which case you won't need to assist, or if they're in danger you'll just get in the way in a fight."

 

"So will I for that matter." Interjected Darcy. "Maybe they could come if they promise to stay with me? They'd probably like a change of scenery."

 

Bill subjected the Skuttlebots to a fierce glare. "Do you promise to stay with Darcy?"

 

"Yes Bill." they chorused.

 

"Alright then. But if you get in anyone's way you're going back to the ship okay?"

 

"Yes Bill."

 

Clint was exploring the armory. "Are those space motorbikes?"

 

"Yes, until we reach the planet's atmosphere these controls here will activate a forcefield that will allow you to breathe and keep you warm, but you can still shoot out through it if you need to."

 

Kate beamed from ear to ear. "Being a superhero is AWESOME."

 

"ISN'T THIS AMAZING CLINT!" she screamed as their bikes soared through the planet's atmosphere.

 

"Uh huh." said Clint, who was sharing a bike with Deadpool and wasn't entirely comfortable with where he was putting his hands. Darcy was riding behind Sif, and was clinging tightly to her out of a potent blend of exhilaration and sheer terror, as the drones clung to her cardigan squealing with excitement. America had been sharing a bike with Kate, but had quickly decided that she trusted her own powers of flight better than she trusted Kate's steering. 

 

Following Bill they landed on a wide dirt plain, almost featureless apart from towering cliffs of brown rock to the east. The plain was brown and studded with rocks, which were brown, and scrubby bushes, which were also brown. Darcy thought they were dead at first but closer inspection revealed leaves and flowers, both of which were brown. Even the sky had a dusty brownish hue, although Darcy grudgingly awarded it a point for the fact that this close to the core the stars were visible in daylight. A lazy wind stirred the dust. Sif watched grimly as it erased their footprints before her eyes.

 

"This place is a dump." said America, scuffing up dirt with the toe of her sneaker.

 

"You are sure this is the place?" asked Sif.

 

"According to Skuttlebutt's calculations, the portal formed..." Bill fell silent for a moment, communing with Skuttlebutt in his head "...exactly here." He took three strides to the left and then stood staring about helplessly, as if expecting the portal or perhaps their missing friends to materialize from thin air.

 

"THOR!" he bellowed. The only effect was that three leathery-winged creatures Darcy had taken for rocks erupted into the air, cawing as if affronted.

 

Sif was examining a nearby bush. "Someone has recently broken the dead branches of this." she said. "That one too. We should search for traces of a fire."

 

"A capital deduction Watson!" cried Deadpool, who had pulled a large magnifying glass and a deerstalker from somewhere about his costume and was now making a thorough examination of the ground.

 

"Erm, is this it?" asked Darcy, realizing that the patch of dusty earth she was standing on was mixed with ash. Sif crouched beside her and rubbed the soot layer off a nearby stone.

 

"Also recent." she grunted. Everyone was now scouring the ground for any traces with an enthusiasm that almost matched Deadpool's.

 

A patch of lighter ground caught Sif's attention. Racing after her Darcy saw that it was covered with tiny, yellowish-beige seedlings - if brown could ever be described as vibrant, they were that color.

 

"Underground water?" asked Bill. Sif gave him a withering look.

 

"Nay, there is lower ground than this, yet it is dry and no plants grow. There is no water on this plain, this I would warrant was the result of a thirsty traveler creating a small, local rainstorm."

 

"That's good right? That means Thor?" gasped Darcy.

 

"Indeed it does sweetling, but I will be happier when I know what became of them."

 

"I don't know where they went, but I know where I'd go." said Clint, gesturing toward the top of the towering cliffs. Bill didn't wait for agreement but simply took off as the others jumped on their bikes to follow.

 

"Friend Clint! You have forgotten the Son of Wil!" called Sif.

 

"Did I? Damn." Clint landed his bike to let Deadpool climb on, cursing internally.

 

The plateau proved narrower than expected. Bill was staring intently at something on the valley floor on the far side when the others alighted beside him. Sif dismounted and joined him.

 

"Fulgurites?" she asked grimly.

 

Bill nodded. "Stay back everyone." He leapt into the air, spinning Stormbreaker as he did so to create a dust-devil that scoured the loose dirt from the valley floor. It dispersed as he landed, revealing a labyrinthine pattern of curving, branching lines.

 

"That's Lichtenberg Figure." gulped Darcy.

 

"Ah hah, the Spore of Thor! The game's afoot!" cried Deadpool, who had acquired a calabash pipe from somewhere and was attempting to smoke it through his mask with little success.

 

Kate and America were whispering together. Kate finally crept up to Darcy. "What's a fulgurite?" she asked.

 

"They're natural glass, they form in those branching patterns when lightning hits sandy soil." said Darcy, her mouth dry.

 

"Oh." said Kate as understanding dawned. "That, that was a lot of lightning wasn't it?" The lines stretched to the canyon wall and the area where Bill was standing was almost solid with them.

 

"Yeah."

 

The drones, bored of watching, slipped over the cliff and drifted down towards Bill. "We can assist!" they chirped. Bill sighed and sat down, all his strength no match for a weariness that wasn't physical. "I thank you little ones, but there is nothing you can possibly do. Thor and whatever he fought are long gone."

 

"In a spaceship!" chirped one of the drones that had been sniffing at a fulgurite.

 

"Quite possibly."

 

"No someone left in a spaceship! The exhaust particles are mineralized in the fulgurite!"

 

Bill leapt to his feet, soared back to the observers on the cliff top.

 

"A spaceship took off from here while Thor was fighting! They may be aboard!" he shouted breathlessly.

 

"Can we find out where it went?" asked America.

 

"Where can you feel Mjolnir now?" asked Darcy. Bill gestured vaguely towards the sky.

 

"So what do we do now?" asked Kate.

 

Deadpool considered. "We could play Truth or Dare." Everyone stared at him. "Or Strip Poker if anyone's got some cards, that's always fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to break the story here, because a) it seemed a logical place to do it when the viewpoint is about to shift to Jane and Thor, and b) I am evil. What happened to them on the planet and what happened next will be revealed in the next slightly surreal installment of Journey into Mishap.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's been reading along!


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